SUBSCRIPT: Stoning failing teachers

Thanks to Ed Notes (New York City) and Jim Vail for the following:

[[from The Onion]] Who Will Cast the First Stone?, from Education Notes Online

The Obama administration today announced a one billion dollar supplementary Race To The Top competition.

The winner will be the first state to have a teacher with extremely low test scores stoned to death. "This technique has been highly successful when used by the Taliban," said Arne Duncan. "While we don't have data — for obvious reasons — we are guessing that test scores have improved in the areas of Afghanistan where this has been tried."

"Brilliant," proclaimed The Wall Street Journal.

Brent Staples of the NY Times was more reserved. "While this is not a proven tactic to close the achievement gap, we feel the plan holds a lot of promise."

Duncan explained the details. "The money will come from private funding so it will not cost the government a cent — other than the cost of the stones, which we will provide. We will have an auction and the winner will get to cast the first stone."

Hedge fund millionaires and charter school operators, whose teachers are exempt, were already lining up for the bidding war. Bill Gates and Eli Broad are expected to have the advantage.

"We will insist that the people most hurt by the teacher chosen to participate will play a major role in the stoning. Children and their parents MUST be included as part of the process.

"Children First," proclaimed Joel Klein. Klein later rescinded when Duncan said New York City would be one of the cities allowed to compete. He said he would go along with the plan to allow the highest bidder to be the first to toss a stone but insisted clung to a Children Second program. Mayor Bloomberg offered to pick up the cost of the stones to give New York an edge.

AFT president Randi Weingarten was critical. "We don't feel this is productive. Teachers need a seat at the table and should be part of the process in choosing the teacher to be stoned." Weingarten made the point that the union had managed to convince the Obama administration to put a limit of one stoning a year.

"Outrageous," said Leo Casey. "Incredibly, they wanted to stone 10 teachers. TEN!" he screeched. "But we stopped them in their tracks." 


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