Another opportunity for Duncanism... Satire targets Arne Duncan's praise of the opportunities Hurricane Katrina gave privatization in New Orleans

New York City satirists have unleashed another round of fun at U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, with a satire following the destruction of Joplin, Missouri, by a tornado. Some readers didn't get it, so we're reminding people before they read the following that it is satire. As not when Duncan said that Katrina was good for New Orleans.

Was Arne Duncan praying for more natural disasters like Hurrican Katrina and the Joplin tornado to open up further opportunities for entrepreneurs in education? U.S. Department of Education sources had no comment. Substance photo taken June 19, 2009 at the Advance Illinois breakfast in Chicago. The breakfast excluded teachers from Duncan's speech, and security at the Regenecy Hyatt Hotel where the event took place warned that they would arrest teachers who tried to attend the event, at which Duncan announced he would work to close the nation's 5,000 "lowest" public schools during his time at Barack Obama's Secretary of Education.Monday, May 30, 2011... "Why Wait?" Asks Duncan

US Secretary of Education Arne Duncan today lamented that only a third of Joplin, Missouri was leveled by tornadoes. "Unfortunately, the fact that so much of the city remains standing will not enable us the opportunity to accomplish what we did in New Orleans." said Duncan. Duncan pointed to the proliferation of charter schools in New Orleans, and called the Joplin tornadoes, "a potential game-changer."

Duncan suggested that education was a pressing crisis, and that we simply could not wait for natural disasters any more. "Let's just bulldoze the entire country from coast to coast," suggested the secretary. "Then, we could build an education system that could pretty much do whatever we wanted to."

When confronted with the enormity of such a project, Duncan said he was open to compromise, and suggested that perhaps we could focus primarily on poorer neighborhoods. "Actually, most of my friends use private schools anyway," said Duncan. "The President sends his kids to private schools. So why waste our energy on areas that use private schools?"

A source close to Duncan suggested the possibility of a smart bomb that would target only those making $200,000 or less, or $250,000 for joint returns. "That would really get those scores up, and we wouldn't have those darn nay-sayers blaming poverty anymore." suggested the source, under conditions of anonymity.

Teacher groups strenuously objected to this scenario, but were roundly dismissed by those we interviewed. "What do teachers know about education?" asked former NYC Schools Chancellor Joel Klein. "They're agents of the status quo," suggested educational expert Bill Gates. These sentiments were immediately endorsed by Democrats for Educational Reform and Educators4Excellence. Oprah Winfrey invited Klein, Gates, and Michelle Rhee to an education roundtable on her new network to discuss Duncan's revolutionary proposal.

Arne Duncan is not the only former Chicago Public Schools "Chief Executive Officer" to practice what author Naomi Klein called "Disaster Capitalism" in her book "The Shock Doctrine." Former Chicago Schools CEO Paul Vallas (above right in a recent photograph with Louisiana schools chief Paul Pastorek, center) was in charge of the destruction of the public schools of New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina. Vallas is now reportedly working to bring back the Chicago Boys free market policies in Chile. President Barack Obama said the proposal was worth looking into, and told teachers, "We won't do it to ya, we'll do it with ya." While NEA leaders pointed out they'd heard that promise before, they declined to withdraw endorsement of the President.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg suggested the plan would only work if he were given the option to fire teachers whenever he felt like it. Chancellor Dennis Walcott pledged, "I will fire all those teachers as soon as possible, but I will never treat them with disrespect."


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