SUBSCRIPT: Does top spot begin with the Zygote or Blastocyst when you're a Pritzker? Substance discovers earliest winners of Race To The Top (and how everyone else is being played for suckers)

The above photograph, which may or may not be a Pritzker or Rockefeller zygote, shows how the right sperm and the rightwing egg from the proper plutocratic oligarch has won "Race To The Top" prior to the creation of the blastocyst. Question: Why did the sperm cross the canal? Answer: To win Race To The Top. One of the many benefits of No Child Left Behind and its higher stakes monstrous successor, Race To The Top, is that one of the main reasons why dumb and dumber psychometric mumbo jumbo testings are so popular with the ruling class is that they abolish real science. If the scam is worked really well, a generation grow up unable to understand the massive hustles that rule the world, instead spending its time with two-bit hustles straight out of “The Wire” or “Deadwood.” Within a generation, most children (especially in the inner city schools, where everyone knows that teachers are “failing”) won’t know anything about science. And from the point of view of the ruling classes, that’s a very very good thing. Once the ignorance becomes universal, most working class and poor people will be waiting for their Lotto number to hit, or praying for a shot at a “reality” TV slot.

With a little science, kids instead could win Science Fair by identifying the zygotic champions in the real Race To The Top — the spawn of the superwealthy who were never in danger of “failure” no matter how noisome their lives and loves become. Take the Pritzker clam, not in its “fifth generation.” Since A.N. Pritzker teamed up with the New Deal and Chicago’s mob (as in Al Capone) to solidify the family’s wealth (and avoid more federal taxes than Capone did, but legally), every Pritzker has won the “Race To The Top” while still in the womb.

But the genius of all this crony capitalism is to find and nurture hirelings, like Barack Obama and Arne Duncan, to peddle some meritocratic fairy tale that the rest of us — especially the peasants — believe. As long as the majority of Americans are too busy to figure out that the game was rigged and the deck stacked from long before birth, the oligarchs will prevail.

The running track along which American billionaires win their only serious Race To The Top, which takes place between the moment the sperm greets the ovum and the happy pair, as a zygote, race along to become the all-important future ruling class blastocyst.Just remember. When your kids are in their latest round of obnoxious test prep (instead of studying biochemisty) they may never have the chance to realize that nine months before there was a Penny Pritzker she had already won her own Race To The Top. Later, she was able to invest smartly in a Barack Obama and a couple of Arne Duncan to keep the science from the majority of her fellow Chicagoans…


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